Stuff I Think About

It's getting closer to June 3rd! That's the day I'm heading to Vegas with my sisters! I don't want to wait another second! I've never been there before. It will be so fun to spend a few days away with my wonderful sisters. I am VERY much in need of this sure-to-be delightful respite.

Anyway, would you believe my 150th blog post came and went without me even realizing it? There was no jamboree, no special parade or elaborate list of 150 things. . .
It's probably just as well. ;)


I'm glad school's out. I'm ready for a break from the stacks of papers getting sent home every week, along with the endless flow of emails reminding me about all the school happenings.


I'm happy our kids each have a friend on our street to play with. Our loop doesn't have very many youngsters, but there are loads of them throughout the other parts of our neighborhood. It's nice having some separation from the packs of kids swarming about. We're close enough to them without being too close, if that makes sense. Mostly it's nice to live on a quieter street where we don't have kids constantly knocking on our door.
Cora and Oliver didn't have anyone their age near us until this winter when a family with a 4-year-old boy and a 10-year old girl moved into the house directly across the street. It was an answered prayer! Cora had been bummed all year that none of our neighbors were her age, so when we noticed the house was for sale, we hoped against all odds that someone her age would move in. It was just an extra bonus that they have a buddy for Oliver.


I made a wonderful discovery at Walmart the other day. (That is the only time I will use the words "wonderful" and "Walmart" in the same sentence.) Anyway, they carry 18-ct. bags of just banana twin pops. It's a summer miracle! That's my favorite twin pop flavor.


I like all the little birds flitting about this time of year, especially finches. They're so cute! The way a bird's noggin bobs when it struts around is endearing to me.


I often read online news articles, and I'm curious to read the comments people leave. I don't really know why. I guess I just wonder what different people think about different topics. It's shocking how mean people can be when they are just typing words on a computer. Perhaps some of the rudest people wouldn't have a problem saying such things in person, but I'd bet many of them only do because they are relatively anonymous and won't face any consequences. It's easy for people to talk trash about people they know very little (if anything) about. My point is, there's a lot of bitterness out there, and it's sad.
It really disturbs me when I notice that a couple of readers have clicked "like" on an article about someone (or many someones) getting killed in a horrific way. What the?! I have to hope that they mistakenly hit "like". I think anyone who considers a person's gruesome death entertaining should be tracked down and thoroughly evaluated.
And it's not only the bad news I read about. It just seems like most news these days is negative. Really negative.

Ryan and I took a one-evening community ed class a couple of Tuesdays ago. It was about the art of communication. It sounded interesting to me, probably because I stink at communicating effectively.
One of the first questions the instructor asked the class was, "What do you communicate to the world?" Then she added, "What do you want to communicate to the world?" She had everyone in the class come up to the front at one point or another. When it was my turn, she asked me what I thought I communicated to the world. I had no idea what to say, so I answered, "insecurity?" She seemed surprised, but I don't know why. She doesn't know me. I feel insecure most of the time, always second guessing myself and worrying what people think of me. Heaven knows I'm not good at pretending. I usually feel insecure, so isn't that what I inadvertently communicate to everyone?
I don't know how people "see" me or what impression I give. I don't think I want to know what they think. I shouldn't care what they think, should I? I know I'm going off on a tangent here, but it got me wondering just what I communicate to people.
The exuberant instructor lady reminded us that 90% of communication is nonverbal. Most of the time I have my arms crossed. It just feels comfortable to me. And it may be genetic. Get a group of McCalebs together and you'll notice they are all standing around with their arms crossed. What message does that convey? Does it make me unapproachable? I try to have a pleasant look on my face when I'm in social settings, but I don't think I do it very well. I've seen candid pictures of me looking surly when I specifically don't recall feeling that way when the photo was taken. What is the matter with me?
Is my nonverbal communication the reason I don't attract new friends? I think people are uncomfortable with my socially awkward tendencies. Like my inability to make eye contact when I attempt to have a conversation with someone. It doesn't matter where I am- at church, at family gatherings, anywhere- the problem lingers.
I have a lot of surface acquaintances, but not too many "real" friends I actually hang out with. And I could be okay with that if my insecurities didn't make me question whether anyone at all truly likes me. I start to piece things together in my mind; past interactions, experiences, deficiencies. The way people respond to me. Some days it doesn't look promising. It dawns on me that when I do get together with friends it's usually when I have initiated the gathering. I know people are busy, and I'm sure there are people who sincerely like me and enjoy my company, but part of me can't help but wonder, deep down inside, if I'm one of those people that everyone just tolerates. I hope I'm wrong. I haven't thought this way for very long. But one day the possibility of it hit me like a ton of crud. Adding stuff up in my mind, calculating it all. . . Hmmmm. . . Maybe my worst critic isn't that far off base. I mean, I feel confident in some areas, and sometimes I get to thinking I'm not too shabby. But then I start thinking too much.
By the way, I don't just sit here twiddling my thumbs, waiting for people to be my friend. I do reach outward. I do nice things for people I care about. So even though this blog post sounds like I'm completely self absorbed, I'm not. Not completely. Though I do feel a little pathetic typing all this. I apologize for it. It's just been gnawing at me. I'm not forcing anyone to read it, right? Maybe my blog is a lot like those disturbing news articles I can't keep myself from perusing. People don't want to read it, but somehow they can't help but look. I'm kind of joking, kind of not.

I like people. In fact, I love most people. Somehow I need to learn how to effectively communicate that. Maybe if I get better at communicating in general, and practice speaking in complete and relevant sentences, then people will want to talk to me. And I need to not fret so stinking much about every little thing that could possibly mean something dreadful. What can I say? I have issues.

You know how little kids have no problem running up to another unfamiliar kid and asking,
"Will you be my friend?" Somehow that approach doesn't work well between adults, and it's sort of a shame. But then again, I've never tried it. . .